I’ve had videos of Monkey on repeat all weekend long. I can’t help myself; I’ve been watching them over and over again. My kid’s cuteness is like a hypnotist’s wheel and I can’t tear my eyes away from the screen!
Watching these videos, though, I’m having two pretty intense feelings: pride and deep sadness. The pride is self-explanatory, but the sadness?
I feel sad because I don’t think I was fully present in the early months of Monkey's life. I managed to be there to take care of my baby, but not be there, you know? I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t remember making these early videos of him. And watching them now, it hurts my heart (and my head) because I’m trying to remember some of these moments, but can’t.
The story is that I was too overwhelmed to really enjoy anything during that time. I was either frustrated with how slowly my body was healing, mad about being sweaty all the time, or crying for no good reason in the bathroom. On top of all that, I had this sick idea that I had to be Super Woman - even though I just gave birth and needed to rest and heal.
I tried to clean, do laundry, cook. Subconsciously, I was scared that if I didn’t do all these things, it meant that I was a complete and utter failure at motherhood and wifedom. I was afraid that when everyone who was there to help me left, I would fall flat on my face, proving to everyone that I shouldn’t be a mother because I was inept.
Ugh. Thinking about that time makes me want to breathe into a paper bag…
Oh well. I ended up being a failure in my attempt to live as Super Woman - that didn’t take very long - but I’m more than okay with it. It taught me some very important things along the way:
1.) I can’t do it all
2.) I shouldn’t do it all
3.) There’s no shame in accepting help, especially when you’ve just given birth
4.) You can never have too many pictures or videos of your kids
And if I may toot my own horn, I don’t think I’m doing a half bad job at being a mom or a wife.
… Though I can’t say the same about the housework.