Tuesday, September 1, 2009

How To Start A Fire: With Your Thighs

Today, the XYs and I went to our community center for Monkey’s very first swim lesson. Somehow, I thought wearing a black cotton dress would be a great idea while sitting under the sun, on hot bleachers, in the extremely humid, indoor pool area.

May as well have worn a business suit with a parka.

I’m sure you can guess how uncomfortable it was. And how sweaty. In essence, once the lesson was over and we started walking out of the center, the sweat evaporated, and the chafing began.

Would you like to become a Fire Starter like me? Here are the basic instructions:

  1. Eat as much as your heart desires
  2. Wear something that allows the skin on your thighs to touch
  3. Do an activity that makes you sweat (preferably sitting or standing with your thighs pressed together, creating a sort of ‘wet seal’)
  4. Walk normally

You should probably start feeling the friction ASAP! If you ever find yourself in need of a fire (at a barbecue, on a deserted island, at a campsite), just stick some dry brush near your thighs, and voilà! You’ve started a fire! All you have left to do is slap a hot dog on a stick and have your own weenie roast!

Enjoy!

21 comments:

Kimberly said...

Being a gal that has always had some junk in the trunk, bigger thighs went with the territory. Noone will ever know how much I freaked out when Oprah introduced me and my thighs to Spanx! It has forever put out the fire. Yay!

Theta Mom said...

LOL You are too funny! I have to agree with Kimberly, those Spanx work wonders!!!

Suzanne said...

You are too funny! I need to get me some spanx:-)
Thanks for "following" me. See...I told you I was clueless...But it's okay. I probably had a lot of people following me who could give a rip. It's killing my girls that I lost my followers though:-) See ya...

Buckeroomama said...

I had a VERY good idea where your post was going when I saw the title, heh. I've been there. Firestarter, moi.

Tami said...

ROFL. Now this is the reason I wear bike shorts under my long black dresses. I once had me a weenie roast and a rash.. ew, ew, ew..LOL

Insanity Kim said...

I don't even know what to say! The visuals I am getting are totally cracking me up, and I cannot help myself from assuming you have a Brazilian wax or something, because I know that I don't need any extra dry brush...oh man I think I just popped a blood vessel in my eye!

LZ @ My Messy Paradise said...

oooh, doesn't sound comfy. You know what else causes bad chafing? Swim shorts. The miraculous invention for moms with fat butts everywhere. But, don't try to swim in them. Or at least, get someone to carry your around afterward until they dry.

Mighty M said...

Can't say I have ever started a fire, but I know I've come close many times!! :-)

The Daily Dean Chronicals said...

Hahaha! Thanks....just call me sparks too! Smokey the Bear follows me around!

{Kimber} said...

BAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
I have large hams and have delt with this prob myself :)

Swoozie said...

Hahahahaha! Thank goodness Fall is on it's way bringing us cooler temps! I HATE being uncomfortably HOT! Blech!

Mrs. Fish aka Two Fish said...

LMAO!! I thought the minivan issue was bad...Oh this is a tops sister! I found if you try to do a super model walk...you can attempt to avoid chafing...but you look like you gotta pee when you walk!

HYSTERICAL

Karie

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Hilarious! You crack me up... I inherited the Swenson Thunder Thighs so I can relate. I'm SO embracing the cooler weather Mother Nature has blessed us with the last few days... :)

Veronica Lee said...

LOL, you are too funny ,Jennifer!!

blueviolet said...

That's why I stay inside! The A/C keeps the fire from stoking!

Alicia said...

Oh my gosh!

And I can imagine how hot it is over there!!

Annette Piper said...

Ooooooh, NOT so good. I've been known to do something similar on occasion though - shhhh, don't tell ;)

Deb said...

Ha! I'm a runner and very familiar with that problem...up...I mean talent.

The Bumbles said...

Can you make mine a corn dog?

Helene said...

And, hence, this is the reason I don't wear summer dresses or skirts!!!

Amber Page Writes said...

Too dang true...but you know what I've recently found? If the fire results in a, ahem, burn, diaper rash cream works wonders! just sayin...

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