Would you like to take a look at our evening routine?
He jumps on the couch. I pull him off. He climbs back on. I have a heart attack at his near fall. I put him down on the floor. He climbs back on. He hangs over the side of the couch to talk to the dogs. I pee a little bit. I pull him off the couch.
Last night, this insanity went on for at least twenty minutes. Oh, and the entire time I’m also pleading with him:
“What did mommy say?”
“Monkey, you will fall! Then what will you do?”
“If I have to tell you one more time…”
“Do you want to go night-night now? If you don’t listen to mommy, you will!”
On and on and on, like a broken record. It’s also exasperating watching my kid cry and throw himself to the ground because I won’t let him break his neck.
Oh, and did I mention my voice? Not only am I speaking to him through clenched teeth, but my voice is slower, lower, and meaner. This is not how I imagined I’d be speaking toward my precious, precious boy. I feel so guilty. I mean, for goodness sake, the kid’s only one year old! Isn’t this how they’re supposed to be acting?
The night ended with my husband asking me the ever irritating, “Why are you so stressed?”
I hope this chaotic night is not an indicator of what life with a toddler is like. If it is, then I’m gonna need some help. The kind that comes in a bottle.