Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The First Cut Is The Deepest

You would think that with all the whining and complaining I do about being tired, and not getting enough sleep, and having a crooked spine from having to carry my two-ton baby around, that I wouldn’t have such a hard time with cutting his hair. But, I do. I did.

Last night, we cut Monkey’s hair for the first time. I tied up his baby mullet with a ribbon and HBL took a picture of me snipping it off.

And the feelings started to bubble.

Then HBL took over and started trimming around his ears, complaining about how it takes two people to cut the hair off of one toddler’s head.

And the knot in my stomach started to grow.

Then HBL gave up, with my poor sweetheart wearing half a bowl cut and half a girl’s bob. I had to take over. I evened it out as best as I could, and the end result was crooked and cute.

But then, he was done. He started running around, jumping on the couch as if nothing had changed, nothing had happened. And I sat there, watching him, looking at him, and started bawling my eyes out, mourning my little boy, my tiny baby boy.

As I type this, my eyes are welling with tears. I’m trying really hard not to have a complete and utter breakdown over this first haircut of his, but HBL literally had to hug the tears out of me. He was so matter-of-fact about the haircut, “He’s a year and a half. He needed a haircut.”

Blah, blah, blaaaaah. I’m busy missing my baby!

HBL was clearly confused by my reaction to the whole thing. He said, “Babe, he’s still the same!” And of course, I had to tell him it wasn’t about the haircut but what it symbolized!

I miss my sweet baby! If you can recall in previous posts, I’ve mentioned how I felt like I was out of sorts in his early months (heck, I was out of sorts till he was one!). And now that I feel like I’m actually getting to enjoy him, he’s growing up into a boy. And soon, he’ll be a teen. And then a man. And then bye-bye mommy!

*sobbing*

I really should not be working myself up like this, but I can’t help it. It feels like breaking up with your first real love, only an infinite amount worse!

Oh Monkey! I miss you already! I miss you, I miss you, I miss you! I love you forever!


BTW: Sorry I’ve been M.I.A. Chalk it up to a combination of the holidays, life, and laziness.

19 comments:

James Ricardo The Actor said...

OK boo...You are such a "mommy"! I have to agree with HABL he is still the same...LOL I love you anyway. I need to see "monkey" soon, he won't even know me..That makes me sad! Happy Holidays!

Buckeroomama said...

Awww... I know what you mean. :) I kept a lock of J's hair from his very first haircut.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

It was the opposite in our house. My husband wanted to keep her hair long and I am the one who wanted it cut!

I do feel for you though.

Glad you are back :-)

Mighty M said...

I think first haircuts are really so hard! I am sure he looks adorable though. :)

Insanitykim said...

Thinking back to when my babies were *actually* babies is so bitter sweet, and ALL those milestones leave a lump in your throat that is a strange mixture of pride and grief. Let yourself cry and have these moments, and then you'll suddenly start to utterly enjoy the next phase; and you'll always be his mommy! Now go read, "I'll Love You Forever." and then cuss me out on my blog. ;)

Manic Mother said...

I was the same way, I let Ro's hair grow so long, and when we cut it I cried too! Ezra's fell out..that made me cry too :)

susan said...

i feel the same way!

my daugher will be 4 in march, and we still havent cut her hair. she DESPERATELY needs one, but i just cant do it. at least not yet.

i'm sure i will sobbing and posting when that day does come. :)

The Bumbles said...

Aw Jennifer - I get it. I'm not a mom but I get why you felt what you did (do). You expressed motherhood very well here - tugs at the heart strings. Have a terrific holiday with your HABL and little Monkey.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Awwwww! I know exactly what you mean. I keep searching for a 'pause' button, but haven't found one yet... ;)

Wishing you a Very Merry Christmas, Jennifer! :)

Mary K Brennan said...

If I only kept count the number of times I gave an uneven cut. Those Mall Mommies had a field day with me.
Enjoy every moment. Put that hair in a safe deposit box if you have to. Only Mom's understand what we go through.
Soon he'll be adding his own gel, and experimenting with different dyes.

kestrel said...

We had to cut our daughter's hair as soon as it got long. It is so hot here that she has her bath twice a day together with a hair wash so shorter hair is more manageable

Helene said...

I think every mother who reads this will get exactly what you mean. I cried the first time each of my kids got a haircut too. It's like some kind of milestone that signals their babyhood is almost officially over.

Kimberly@PrettyPinkMomma said...

I didn't cry when my each of my boys got their first haircut but I did get emotional about it. I kept the locks and took pictures - that was super important for me. I can't believe you were able to go a year and a half! I am due to get Emilio his second haircut this week. This time I am excited cause he looked so cute with short hair. With our oldest his hair is a nightmare - it grows ridiculously fast. He had his first haircut at 7months cause it was a mullet then! If its one thing I find irritating is when people confuse my boys for girls so I am very pro haircut.

BTW, Happy New Year woman! It has been great getting to know you through the blogosphere this last year. I wish you and your family the best for 2010!

CenzLuccsMom said...

I totally get how you feel, I am always looking at the boys and saying "they will be in college soon!" And Hubby reminds me they are only 3. But, time goes too fast and those tiny baby days are sooo short!!

Annette Piper said...

I remember feeling exactly the same with my first son. He was born with hair but I refused to cut it - the result was a very unflattering comb over as the rest of it fell out. I finally took the plunge at about 5-6 months old and sobbed, yet after a day I thought he looked so much better - older, but better.

Tesa said...

It is hard but fun to watch them grow up isn't it? I have never had this reaction to my son and his first haircut because it was at 6 weeks! He came out with so much hair it was in his eyes in a matter of weeks and needed to be cut. He has gotten a haircut every 4 weeks since! And he hasn't enjoyed getting most of them - so hearing him cry about it does get to me a bit there.

Mrs. Fish aka Two Fish said...

OMG I am bawling with you! Seth has the same little mullet in the back with the curls...I would be just as much of a mess if we had to cut it or if anyone even tried. Hugs sister..I know!

Mommy24cs said...

Carson had his haircut the other day and I still get sad even though he is four. They look so different when it's all cut. So much more grown up. =(

Sharon said...

Similar experience but not. You know, same sh!t, different smell. ;) My oldest (at the time was 6) cut my youngest's (at the time was 1.5) hair. Cut it down to the scalp. MORTIFYING. I'm pretty sure Monkey's half-bowl-cut-half-girl's-bob looked better than my kiddo's 1st hair cut! LOL Hang in there mama. And get back to blogging!!!

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